Fuck you.

Oh my God, I’ve just come into some MONEY!  So excited, I went to the bank to cash a check that was written for a substantial amount.  Man, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on that cash.  I had so many plans for it!  Usually, I keep myself on a tight budget, but this was a sudden windfall and I could not be more elated!  I made sure my check was signed, that I had two forms of ID and I waited patiently in line.  When I arrived at the window, I presented the check to the teller.  She smiled kindly and processed my transaction.  But, when it came time for her to hand me my money, she dropped the wad of cash into a box and held the box high over her head.  “Ma’am, if you want this money, you’ll have to fish it out of this box, but I have to warn you… the box is teeming with live spiders.  Don’t look so frightened… you want the money, don’t you?  What’s to be afraid of?  It’s JUST spiders!  Who’s afraid of a few little tarantulas? Oh, you’re terrified of spiders?  Shame.  No cash for you.”

Seems unreasonable, doesn’t it?  Well, something relatively similar happened to my daughter recently.

This past Monday was Halloween.  My daughter was so excited she could hardly contain herself.  She could put on a sparkly princess costume and there would be candy… LOTS of candy?  TONS AND TONS OF CANDY!?  And she could eat it, with reckless abandon?  BEST DAY EVER.  So, we dressed her up in her sparkly Cinderella dress, complete with glittery silver shoes and long satin gloves and set out to Trick-or-Treat in our neighborhood.  Now, let me say, Trick-or-Treating is a real event in our neighborhood.  Most houses have festive lights and very involved graveyard scenes or big blow-up pumpkins and witches and goblins on their front lawns.  There are adults, hanging out in their driveways with neighbors, fire pits ablaze excitedly awaiting the waves of trick or treaters, there is candy galore… there are even neighbors who bake Pinterest-worthy Halloween treats for the kids and the whole thing feels very… magical.

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House to house we went, my little Cinderella smiling brightly.  At most houses, she was one of many trick-or-treaters approaching at the same time.  The other kids would yell, “Trick or Treat!” and the adults would ooh and aah and distribute the candy.  My daughter blended into the crowd of tiny pirates and Elsas and Pikachus.  So, at most houses, no one noticed that all my daughter did was hold out her bucket without saying anything.

That’s until we hit the house on the corner.  The lights had just come on and my daughter excitedly said, “Mommy, look!  Let’s go dat house!”  When we approached, I smiled and said “trick or treat” for her.  The woman stopped, looked at me and back at my daughter and said, “what are the magic words, Cinderella?” and she held the bowl of candy up high out of my daughter’s reach.  I chimed in.  “Trick or Treat!”  She held the bowl higher.  “No magic words, no candy!”  My daughter stared at her, frozen. “Come on now, what are the magic words?  What are you– shy?  Say Trick or Treat!  Come on now!”

dtb5rudz_400x400I I I am sure she meant no harm, but I wanted to punch this lady square in the nose.  I also wanted to explain that my daughter, who is not yet 4 years old is a small child, not a trick pony.  I wanted to tell her that she is not shy.  In fact, she is quite outgoing and bubbly and that her big toothy smile and her laugh are so contagious, you just can’t help but be happy when you’re near her.  I also wanted to tell her that entire months passed where my daughter didn’t utter a word to her preschool teachers and that we celebrate like it’s New Years Eve when we find out she uttered a tiny “hello” to her teacher.  I wanted her to know that my little girl sometimes gets so anxious in new situations that she will curl up her fingers so her hands look like paws and bark little barks instead of talking, almost as if she wants to be anyone but herself at that moment.

I wanted to say, “Fuck you, it’s Halloween. She’s 3 years old. Hand out the candy and not the etiquette lessons, lady.”  But, I didn’t.  Another group of trick or treaters walked up and I took my daughter by the hand and we headed to the next house.  I suppose I could have relented and said, “oh yes, she’s shy!”, which I’m sure would have been an acceptable enough response for some candy.  But I decided that my child doesn’t need to hear me making uncomfortable excuses.  And I sure didn’t want her to think that her very real discomfort and anxiety constituted some sort of failure on her part.  There’s plenty of opportunity for us to address these issues… Halloween isn’t one of them.

I mostly forgot about it until I got home and scrolled through Facebook.  In our neighborhood Facebook group, someone commented about kids not saying “thank you” or “trick-or-treat”, or the horror… taking TWO pieces of candy.  On a local social group, someone commented that children just holding out their buckets for free candy is everything that’s wrong with the world today.  In a mom’s group, someone shared screenshots of her great-aunt complaining about how rude children are these days.  Who knows?  Maybe the lady on the corner turned around and told someone the tale of the rude little Cinderella who couldn’t even muster up a simple “trick-or-treat”.  All I know, is people were bitching about parents not teaching their kids manners, as if that’s the only plausible explanation.

Maybe that kid that didn’t say thank you isn’t a just rude little product of today’s “entitled” generation, what with their participation awards and safe spaces and triggers.  Maybe that child is on the spectrum, maybe that child struggles with selective mutism or hasn’t yet gotten a hang of the very rigid rules of Halloween candy acquisition.  Or maybe the kid, at that moment, simply forgot his or her manners.  You have no idea what the cause is, so how about just treating the child like any other human being and accepting that no one is 100% on point 100% of the time?

My daughter asked me as we walked away, “Why that lady not give me candy?”.  So, I tried to explain that some people simply NEED to hear, “Trick or Treat”.  “But… why mommy?”  “Well, sweetheart, I suppose it’s just how you have to ask for candy on Halloween.”  “Ok, mommy… but I shy.  I don’t like to talk.  Why I’m shy?”  Just then, my husband, who’d stopped to talk about the latest Seahawks game with another neighbor caught up with us and I was off the hook.

It felt, however, like the question was left, hanging in the air, unanswered.  And my heart broke a little.  You see, up until recently, she’s been our baby… we could easily shield her from things.  I could answer her questions with simple generalities.  But as time passes, and the amount of why’s and how-come’s increase, I’m going to have to start explaining how the world works.  I know that’s my job, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me to have to unveil the truth: the world isn’t always a wondrous place.  Sometimes, it downright sucks.  For her, the world thus far has been full of magic and new experiences, but the older she gets and the more routine her experiences become, she’s going to come to the realization that the magic and the wonder and the happy stuff is only a tiny part of the equation.  By the time you’re a full-fledged adult, you’ll be at times jaded and cynical, at times bored or dissatisfied or angry or sad.  Eventually, those moments that feel like magic become so fleeting, that when they happen, you try so very hard to commit them to memory and savor them.  For me, these days, all of those magical moments I experience, I experience vicariously through my daughter.  Seeing her eyes light up at a new sight or taste or sound reminds me that life is actually, at times, so profoundly beautiful.

And, while my husband and I think she is utterly perfect just the way she is, there will be other people—people who don’t accept her for who she is and want her to change.  We understand her anxieties.  We know her and know what’s beneath that “shyness”.   But, there are others who will judge her for it.  There will come a time where she’s no longer comfortable breaking into an impromptu a capella performance of “Let it Go” in the middle of Whole Foods just because she feels like it.  People will stare. There will come a time when she knows people will look at her funny if she decides she wants to wear a princess dress and sneakers to school.  There will come a day where lightening bugs and thunderstorms and running through a sprinkler and Christmas lights and a new stuffed doggy aren’t met with a big wide-eyed WOW, but a half hearted “whatever”. And, there will be a time when someone is mean to her or criticizes something about her that she can’t change, and I won’t be there for her to hide behind. All I want is to protect her.  I want to shield her from mean and insensitive people.  But, I can’t.  And that angers me.  When someone breaks her spirit, it’s like they’re breaking mine as well.

That moment on Halloween gave me a glimpse into the future when I won’t be able to kiss away the boo boos.

So… for all those times that you, World, make me have to face this inevitable reality sooner than I would like to: Fuck you.

Fuck you, insensitive jerks who expect so much more out of small people who are just learning to navigate the world than you would out of the average adult.  Fuck you, a-holes who make children struggling with x, y, or z feel “less than”. Fuck you, complete strangers who judge the quality of someone’s parenting based on one teeny tiny interaction with their child. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Ok, so I know it’s utterly irrational for me to be mad about the inevitable.  But what can I say, sometimes a good ol’ FUCK YOU is cathartic.  I posed this question in our private group, and within minutes, we had a whole slew of eager Fuck Yous.

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So, go ahead… share your Fuck Yous with us…. it will make you feel a little better, I promise.

33 thoughts on “Fuck you.

  1. This hurts my heart – some people are so insensitive and only care about their own damn agendas than that of a little girl. I can’t stand these holier-than-thou, “this is what’s wrong with the world” assholes. Fuck you assholes!!

  2. Fuck you midwife in the hospital who berated me for not breastfeeding my new born properly after 15 hours labour and an emergency C-section. Who dragged me out of bed just 9 hours after the operation, sat me in a hall way with everyone passing by and stripped me and my baby naked, grabbed at my breasts like a peice of meat without asking and then putting a cold wet wash cloth on my new baby to make him scream. Fuck you for blaming me ‘you’re not trying hard enough, stop crying – this is motherhood, do you not want to feed you’re baby the best?’ and making me feel like a failure. Fuck you for taking away all the joy of those first month as a first time mum. My second child proved – with the help of descent medical professional genuine lactation failure – a medical condition that can’t be solved by trying harder. Fuck you from a proud formula feeder!

  3. Fuck you to the lady outside Trader Joe’s when my boys were selling popcorn. My then-8 year old autistic son was excited about collecting money from buyers and putting it in the jar. This bitch decided she didn’t want to hand her money to him, but instead to the child who asked for a donation. Every time he held his hand out to get it she pulled the money back and glared. It was like a terrible game of keep away. Luckily he didn’t get what she was doing and wasn’t phased, but I wanted to take her money and throw it in her face. I bit my tongue but I regret that decision every damn day.

  4. Fuck you misogynistic male psychiatrist who told me that breastfeeding my baby while taking anti-anxiety meds for soul-crushing PPA/PPD was the same as grinding them up and putting them directly into his milk. Dick.

  5. Here’s what I don’t get. At all. Children are, by definition, immature. They are not adults. Their cerebral cortexes don’t finish forming until they are in their 20s. And yet many adults expect them to behave as well or better than adults, at all times. That is crazy. Most kids do their best, and all of them acquire different skills at different times, and can’t always apply the skills they have (hungry, tired, stressed, struggling).

    What is wrong with people?

  6. Fuck you women who say that having a C section isn’t giving birth. Really? Then where the hell did this kid come from???

    1. Who the hell said that to you? Double fuck you to them! We had to recover from major surgery while taking care of an infant. That person can go get eaten by a shark.

  7. I’d like to send a big Fuck You to my MIL who called me up, ranting and raving, and listed all the parenting mistakes I’ve made in the last 8 years and for her comments on “how to love her son properly.” Thanks for tips, bitch.

  8. I’d like to add my own fuck you to that lady! As a child, and even now as an adult, I had such bad anxiety that asking for something, such as in a store, or Halloween, would cause a panic attack. I used to have to have my niece ask for something for me, when she was as young as 5. Or search for whatever it was that I needed, even if it took me 2 hours. It’s gotten better as I’ve gotten older, but is still a challenge.
    I’m autistic, and for my own personal FUCK YOU, I’d like to say a big FUCK YOU to my mom for ignoring the fact that her child (me) was on the ASD spectrum, and spanking first instead of trying to help me calm down, and figure out what was going on. Ignoring my OCD that grew worse and worse until I couldn’t be awake for more than 3 seconds without having to do a ritual. Ignoring all the other things that a mom should pay attention to, ESPECIALLY when they have PLENTY of experience with special needs children and adults.
    Oh, and one last FUCK YOU to her for referring to her special needs clients as “retards” and calling when they get excited “tarding out”.

    Yup, I feel better.

  9. FUck you to the parents of the child who screamed at my daughter in her wheelchair, that she needed to get up and walk to the door or she shouldn’t get candy. You said nothing while your child repeated over and over again that horrible thing. When I finally told your child he was being rude and to not talk to her that way, then you his parents had lots to say about me.

  10. Fuck you, L&D nurse who threatened CPS action against me when I couldn’t get my son to nurse. Then berated me for giving in and giving him a bottle because you scared me so badly.

    Fuck you “friend” who called my son “that wussy kid” because he cried when he was a year old and got smacked by your three year old.

    Fuck you, MIL for making me feel like a failure when I finally, finally, after four years of therapy and alternative methods decided to allow the doctors to prescribe medication for MY child’s ADHD.

    I have a lot of fuck you’s, but these are the three that bothered me the most.

  11. Fuck you, pediatrician, telling me I was just worrying about nothing when my son stopped gaining weight at 6 months. Who wouldn’t refer to the swallowing clinic. Who wouldn’t list as an admitting physician at the children’s hospital when we brought him in, desperate after weeks of intractable diarrhea (that he wouldn’t treat) left him less than double his birth weight at a year. A week in hospital with IV fluids and an NG tube for nutrition and we found out he had celiac. Like me. WHICH I had expected since the diarrhea started with solids.

    FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. YOU STUNTED HIS GROWTH, MAYBE PERMANENTLY, AND HIS ADULT TEETH MAY NEVER MINERALIZE FULLY.

  12. Back in aught eight, when my 11 year old had just turned 3, we had an encounter with that effin “magic word” and I ranted at length in my very important momblog. I’m sad this happened to your daughter, but as a mother and a professional who works with children, I say—YOU showing up, you walking away from the stupid, you explaining to her lovingly— is and will be enough. People will be assholes, but you and her dad can be her soft place to land when they are. And that’s enough.
    I have a shy kid too– once his friend’s mother called me and screeched, “Tell your son to answer my questions more loudly or I’m not getting him a cheeseburger!” I told her I’d come get him as we feed children no matter what in our home. People!

  13. Fuck you to the stage mother at the elementary school “holiday concert” who complained about my 2-year-old with sensory processing problems who decided to make his own music along with the kids on stage. I had sat in the front row to the side where there was a clear space in front where he could trot around a little. He “sang” along with the music and maybe screeched a little here and there. Believe me, this was nothing compared to behavior I had seen in the grocery store from other kids. I overheard you telling someone that my son was “ruining” the concert because you were videotaping the whole thing and he could be heard in the background here and there. It was an elementary school concert, which by definition is a family event where there are going to be smaller siblings of those on stage present, not fucking Carnegie Hall. I refuse to keep my son home because you need absolute fucking quiet so your child’s execrable recorder playing could be heard loud and clear (obviously it was hurting his ears, I know it hurt mine).

  14. Fuck you neurologist who said my child would never amount to much and probably wouldn’t live long. Fuck you feeding therapist who didn’t want to work with my daughter anymore. Fuck you OT who refused to even work with her once. Fuck you other OT who let her face plant in therapy the other day. Fuck you 20 other therapists who refused to work with her. Fuck you chiropractor who said you could cure her in 2 months. Fuck you nurses who try to shove suction tubes up her nose the second I turn my back. Fuck you all medical people who have put her through pain for no reason. Fuck you to all the doctors who have just given up finding an answer. Fuck you GI doctor who kept saying her secretions were reflux. It was NOT fucking reflux. Fuck you ENT for lying when you said you clipped her tongue tie. Fuck you therapists who charge $800 for a fucking consultation and don’t take insurance. Fuck you insurance company for making everything as difficult as possible. Fuck you dance studio for not having an elevator and making me drag my daughter up the stairs for her sister’s class. Fuck you communication therapists for making stupid fucking recommendations. Fuck you doctors for saying you’ll run tests and then NEVER doing it. Fuck you sister in law for constantly offering to help and then refusing when we actually ask. And a big fuck you to my mother in law who ignored my daughter’s existence for two years and still refuses to learn how to take care of her and tries to make everything about herself and give us guilt trips over the stupidest shit. Fuck You! I have the most amazing daughter in the world, and if one of you assholes would bother to pay attention to her for 2 seconds, you would see how awesome she is.

  15. Oh, and fuck you ENT for refusing to remove the fluid from my daughter’s ears for a year because you claimed she was profoundly deaf and it didn’t matter anyway. Guess what!!!!! She can fucking hear now that the fluid is gone, asshole.

  16. FUCK you to the assholes that talked shit on my son for “giving them ass eyes” and not making eye contact with them when they spoke to him. HE IS BLIND IN ONE EYE YOU JACK ASS!

  17. Fuck you to so many people. Fuck you to my SIL who talks shit behind my back but doesn’t have the balls to talk to me when I call her out on it and everyone thinks I’m the one with the problem for refusing to be around her. Fuck you to MIL who criticizes my boys INCESSANTLY even though she only sees my kids maybe 7 times per year. Fuck you to selfish BILs who don’t have the time of day for my husband, their own brother. Fuck you to my son’s teacher for constantly taking recess off of him because he can’t sit still but never seems to send a note home to inform us so we can help. Fuck you to people who say shit about my 3 year old not being completely toilet trained. Fuck you X a million.

  18. Fuck you babysitter who only changed my child’s diaper one time in 8 hours (yes I was counting diapers), let your child bully mine, and then had the audacity (after we fired you), to send us a letter stating all the reasons our son was autistic, including he didn’t smile back at you when you smiled at him. Maybe he just didn’t fucking like you because you let him sit in his piss and let your child hit him with toys

  19. I like to say a big fuck you to my Dad, who upon hearing I was pregnant with my second child, called me a selfish mother, a bad mother, said I was “stealing” my daughter’s childhood, and told me to cancel my upcoming trip to visit them. Because I was pregnant with my second child. at the age of 34. while married, with a stable job, house and car. All because the kids would only be 15 months apart when my son was born.

  20. Fuck you mil for saying you weren’t going to buy my daughter trucks for her birthday because they weren’t girly. Fuck you again for acting like a pity party when she didn’t seem interested in the baby dolls you bought her instead.

  21. Fuck you to my older daughter’s father for forcing her to hug an adult man –when she clearly did not want to–because “he bought you ice cream!” Way to teach body autonomy!

  22. Fuck you to the literally multiple people who have told my ADHD daughter that “you would look so much prettier if you didn’t cry about little things.” Right now, everything is a big deal to her and that’s okay. And who said she has to be pretty for you or anybody else? Fuck off.

    Fuck you to the mother with four kids who insinuated my husband and I were lazy when I said we decided we could only handle one (ADHD) child.

  23. Fuck you to my sister who made me seem insane for breasfeeding my own children for longer than 6 weeks. We made it 13 fucking months with the first, and I am proud of that for no other reason than I kept her alive only on my milk alone for 51/2 months. Fuck you to my mom for CONSTANTLY thinking either of my babies are fussy because they are hungry and to “hurry up and pump a bottle” so she could feed them. Also, fuck her because she came to our house after my second baby was born to “help” and then asked for everything to be brought to her and done for her, made my oldest repeat the same stupid things over and over and over; even when she didn’t want to; and then sat outside and smoked about four hours out of the day and wanted to then hold the baby and not even wash her smoky God-damned hands, even when I asked. Also, springing it on me that she would be residing with my family for two weeks when I went to pick her up. Not one time did she mention how long she was planning when I asked her and that made an issue of other family members coming to see the new baby. I love my mom, but she’s got some issues with being passive aggressive as FUCK.

    Also, fuck myself for not saying anything to these people, fuck myself for getting angry when my kids don’t behave as I think they should (or as others think they should), and fuck my previous, child-less self for ever, EVER passing judgement on any parent or kiddo.

  24. Fuck you to my mother-in-law, who demanded I get my son “tested” because he was “obviously autistic” and something was “very wrong” with him IN FRONT OF SAID KID. He’s not autistic.

    Fuck you to all the eye doctors who missed my kid’s lazy eye until he was 12, and we’ve been taking him in for yearly exams for 8 years now.

    Fuck you to the doctors who insisted my daughter was just “active” and didn’t have ADHD, until she was nearly suicidal with anxiety and depression caused by, what do you know, ADHD.

  25. Fuck you to my MIL and FIL who said vaccinating our child was poisoning her. We are proud vaxxers and always will be.

    Fuck you to everyone who said I shouldn’t have any more kids because I have fibromyalgia. I’m not stopping my life because of chronic pain. Oh and fuck you to fibromyalgia.

    Fuck you to old nurse who berrated me for feeding my newborn “too much”. I went with my instincts and fed her when she was hungry. Newborns cant overeat you outdated pos. But thank you to my pediatrician, a highly renowned doctor, for stepping in when he overheard this and told her my instincts were spot on and her “knowledge” outdated.

    And finally fuck you to the lady who told me I was letting my child suffer because I wouldn’t use an amber necklace. But I prefer a kid who may be in pain but at least wasn’t strangled by a fucking woowoo necklace.

  26. Fuck you to the illness that took my mom from me too soon and left me here to witness my father lost and alone, inching daily into dementia. Fuck you to my brothers who can’t be bothered to see their dad more than twice a year because “it is so hard to see him upset”. And an extra big fuck you to my oldest brother the minister who doesn’t have kids at home or in college, makes more money than me, but when it comes time to agreeing to help pay an equal share for dad, doesn’t want to be obligated for his share. Fuck you and your hypocrisy

  27. Fuck you ex husband. Fuck you for taking an innocent 19 year old girl and putting her in an abusive relationship. Fuck you for making me feel it was somehow my fault, that I wasn’t doing enough for you even though my whole life became about making you happy which was never good enough. Fuck you for breaking me to a point where I thought I couldnt live without you. Fuck you for never changing a diaper, making a meal, cleaning the house, feeding/bathing/reading to any of our children. Fuck you for saying our children were ‘out of control’ because I was ‘to soft on them’, just because they would talk when you wanted to sleep til 12 noon every weekend. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you for being abusive to them, calling them horrible names, ignoring them, hitting them and worse. Fuck you for blaming me for ‘distroying our family’ when I left after 13 years. Fuck you for threating to kill me and the kids over last 4 years. Fuck you for paying no child support, fuck you for telling everyone I don’t let you see the kids even though everytime I’ve set up visitation you’ve not turned up. Fuck you for making me seem like the bad guy while I still encourage our children to love their dad and never say a bad word about you to them regardless. Fuck you for the 100s of abusive texts, the late nights worried that you’d show up with a gun, the police and courts. Fuck you for saying I ‘stole your children’. Fuck you. And fuck my mother in law for standing beside you, cutting off her grandchild even knowing that you are an abusive man. Fuck her for raising you to think that shit is acceptable by staying with your abusive father.
    And fuck you to anyone who asks an abused woman ‘why didn’t you just leave’.

  28. A HUGE FUCK YOU to the pharmaceutical companies who charge so much for the insulin my daughter needs to stay alive for the rest of her life not only are WE worried about how we’ll afford it, SHE has started to worry about it! At 12 years old!! This is not something a child should worry about! F.U.C.K. Y.O.U. Also, fuck you diabetes!

  29. Fuck you, Mother, for blind-siding me on my first birthday after having my first child that years ago you (all on your own) had diagnosed me with autism, and that you hoped my kid wouldn’t have it, too. Happy birthday to me! Fuck off.

  30. Fuck you to the nurse who criticized me for my lack of diaper changing skills. It was the only time I changed my 1.5 lb, preemie daughter’s diaper. Fuck you, you bitch! And fuck you for your happy, sunny disposition. My daughter was dying and we were devasted but you were so fucking chipper.

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